Obituary for a Real Bastard

On March 19th of this year, Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, died.

Reactions to this news have been mixed; some have been overjoyed, others merely elated.

I thought we’d go from here into a look at Phelps’s actions in life.  He is the founder of the aforementioned church, consisting primarily of roughly 60 members of his own extended family, which has recieved the hatred of the world in general due to its policy of protesting the funerals of soldiers in the US military, proudly exclaiming their deaths to be punishment from God for the US’s policy of allowing gay people to exist.  Apart from being controversial, in and of itself, it got him a place on the UK Home Office’s list of people banned from entering the country.

But let’s talk about his lesser known work; like how he was banned from practicing law when, while working as an attorney, he commited perjury on a case he had filed on his own behalf.  And why not speak of the lesser known family man that was Fred Phelps, and how he is estranged from 4 of his 13 children due to beating the living shit out of them.

Yes, two of Phelps’s children were even taken into protective custody after marks of abuse were found on their bodies, and they would have stayed in protection had Phelps not intimidated the Topeka police into giving them back.  In a funny sidenote, we only know this much because he sued the Topeka Public Schools over this matter, meaning the records were never destroyed.  One cold Christmas Day, upon learning that his son Nate had stolen a few bulbs for Christmas decoration, Fred beat his child into medical shock.  He encouraged husbands to regularly slug their wives (one parishioner even calling on him for bail after being arrested for this) and three of his children report that Mrs. Phelps had been shoved down the stairs at least once.

Fred was a lover of many things: Fred Phelps and the Westboro Batist Church; and a hater of many, many more.  Such things include gay people (duh), Irish people, the USA, Lady Gaga, NASA (for not believing in Young Earth), professional basketball (Probably for being predominately black), the KKK (for thinking him too extreme), Jews, Conservatives (not anti-gay enough), atheists (duh again), Alpha Centauri, Barack Obama (for being the Anti-Christ), Santa Claus, Jesus (wait, what?) and pretty much everything else not listed under things he loves.

He’s dead now, and will surely be missed by no one as he completes his journey and becomes nothing more than an all-you-can-eat worm buffet.

Not so fucking holy now, are you Phelps?

7 thoughts on “Obituary for a Real Bastard

  1. I was with you until the second to the last sentence. Fred Phelps does not realize that he is worm food. He is just dead. He doesn’t realize anything.

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